Why Doesn’t She Leave? (That’s like asking the slave why they didn’t leave..)

and even then, the mothers stayed because of their children

Why Doesn’t She Leave?-

they KNEW they would be killed if they did-

(Written by Maria De Santis of the Women’s Justice Center, Santa Rosa, CA)

Women’s Justice Center
www.justicewomen.com
rdjustice@monitor.net

There’s a seemingly simple little exercise we’ve done dozens of times at workshops on violence against women. The usual responses, however, are anything but simple. They’re confounding and cause for concern.

Recently we repeated the exercise with a conference room full of 70 social workers, advocates, therapists, and mental health workers. "Why don’t some domestic violence victims leave the relationship," we ask? "Call out the reasons!"

The answers, as always, come fast and freely. "Because she doesn’t think she can make it on her own." "Not enough money to feed the children." "She feels obligated to her marital vows." "It’s learned helplessness." "She doesn’t believe she deserves better." "She doesn’t know where to go." "She wants the children to have a father." etc.

I jot down the familiar list until the group exhausts their thoughts. And there, again, is the enigma. How, at this date, with this group, – with almost every group – do so many miss the obvious? To be sure there’s truth and need for remedy in every reason given. But the one thing that should top the list, the thing that freezes so many women in place, is not even mentioned at all.

Women often don’t leave domestic violence because they know that when they do leave the danger of more severe violence increases dramatically. Violence, and the sheer terror of it, is one of the principle reasons women don’t leave. And the women are right!

Fact: When domestic violence victims attempt to leave the relationship, the stalking and violence almost always escalates sharply as the perpetrator attempts to regain control.
Fact: The majority of domestic violence homicides occur as a woman attempts to leave or after she has left.

Fact: The most serious domestic violence injuries are perpetrated against women who have separated from the perpetrator.

The women know these dangers. They know them because they’ve already experienced the violent responses when they’ve attempted to assert themselves, even minimally, within the relationship. They know because the perpetrators have usually threatened precisely what they intend to if she does try to leave.

"Instead of Helping Me, They Sunk Me Even More"

The women also know these dangers are heightened still more because so many officials, first responders, and courts are also in denial of the gravity of her situation. And she’s right again. Despite the modern-day rhetoric about treating domestic violence seriously, the reality is that the critical protections she needs when leaving are still as precarious and unpredictable as a roll of the dice. One responder may help effectively. The next may ignore, mock, underestimate, misdiagnose, walk away, blame her, take her kids, shunt her into social services, arrest her, send her to counseling, or one way or another refuse to implement real power on her behalf, abandoning her to a perpetrator who is now more enraged than ever.

The paths leading up to so many domestic violence homicides are paved with officials’ failures to protect. Just weeks before she was murdered by her estranged husband, Maria hauntingly summed up her own, and so many others’ experiences with officials. "Instead of helping me," she said, "They sunk me even more."

You can work tirelessly and compassionately to social work, counsel, and support the victim. But if you ignore this critical piece of making sure the system puts failsafe brakes on the perpetrator and his violence, it will be for naught. The perpetrator will continue to stalk and terrorize or worse. The victim will still be trapped in the violent relationship no matter where she has moved and how much independence she has attained. In fact, the freer she is, the angrier he gets.

And if you look just a little closer, you’ll see that for domestic violence victims there really is no such thing as leaving, or escaping, until the system does, in fact, step up and effectively stop the perpetrator. There is no Mason Dixon line over which women can run and escape and be home free. The perpetrators can and do hunt her down anywhere.

Domestic Violence! Not ‘Domesticated Violence’, nor ‘Violence Lite’!

It’s interesting. When you do the same exercise, but merely shift to other forms of violent relationships, a group’s responses are dramatically different. "Why doesn’t the field slave," for example, "Run away from the plantation in the middle of the night while the master sleeps?" The answers are immediate and unequivocal. "Because the slaves know they’ll get hunted down." "Because they know if they’re caught they’ll get beaten like never before." "Because they stand a good chance of getting killed."

The first answers out are never ‘learned helplessness’, ‘low self esteem’, or ‘not enough money’ even though there’s no question these same psycho-social factors are just as much at work. In fact, if one were to lead off their explanations as to ‘why slaves don’t leave’ with the ‘learned helplessness’ or ‘not enough money’ aspect, the insult of it would ring perfectly clear.

Whether you ask the question in regard to slaves, prisoners of war, kidnap victims, concentration camp captives, or residents of violent regimes, etc., the horrific dynamics and dangers of attempting to escape are well understood by everyone. Some victims of these violent relationships do, in fact, make a run for it. Some succeed. Some are killed. Some are recaptured and punished unmercifully.

Most victims, however, never go beyond an initial evaluation of the risks. The obvious dangers are just too great. They stay. Violence works. Violence, and the sheer terrorizing threat of it, has always, everywhere, worked better than anything else to keep victims compliant and pinned in place.

So why the glaring blind spot in regard to domestic violence victims? Why are women denied even the validation of the dangerous dynamics of her dilemma? Why do so many people still hold a view, as cloaked as it may be in paternal tones, that is more in sync with the perpetrator’s stance than with the victim’s? The view that the problem rests with her. That it’s she that needs to be propped up and fixed.

As if this violence that plagues women around the world is a ‘domesticated violence’, or ‘violence lite’!

The Patriarchy Still Rules! And Still Needs to be Upended!

The glaring blind spot is rooted deep in the self-preservation mechanisms of patriarchal rule. If the violent repression of women were to be recognized on a par with other violent repressions it would require nothing short of upending the missions of law enforcement, prosecutors, courts, and service organizations, and not just the adjustment of rhetoric we have now. The male-dominated power structure resists implementing its real powers on behalf of women in order to preserve the power for itself. That’s fairly obvious.

But what about the blind spot of so many social workers, advocates, and therapists? Those who care about the women, and dedicate their lives to helping them? Perhaps it’s one more layer of the battered women’s syndrome that needs to be exposed. Because if we ourselves truly recognize the gravity of women’s plight, we, too, have to move beyond the safety zones of the nurturing, supportive roles we find so comfortable.

We will be compelled to step out, challenge, watchdog, fight, demand, and make sure that the powerful, male-dominated institutions are, in fact, upended, and that they, indeed, begin to implement their full powers on behalf of women, and against the perpetrators. Only then will domestic violence victims truly have a real choice to leave.

Feel free to photocopy and distribute this information as long as you keep the credit and text intact.
Copyright © Marie De Santis,
Women’s Justice Center,
www.justicewomen.com
rdjustice@monitor.net

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Insanity? Nope. Family Court in Kansas

http://justiceformothers.com/default.aspx

A victims first scream is for help;

A victims second scream is for justice.

Imagine that your home was broken into, vandalized and burglarized one night. You were roughed up and tied up while he ransacked your home. Fortunately, he left you shaken and hurt, but not seriously injured such as to require hospitalization. You were successfully able to identify him and his vehicle as he sped away.

Upon your call to the police, the offender is apprehended with the goods in his possession and brought to court to stand trial for his crimes against you.

You arrive in court and the first thing the judge asks you is if you are willing to go to mediation with the burglar. When you refuse, the judge labels you ‘uncooperative’ and ‘hostile’ to the burglar’s continued relationship with you. Even though the burglar was caught red-handed with your goods, and you were an eye witness to the crime, the judge now decides that he can’t possibly decide the case without first appointing a social worker termed a "burglary evaluator" to assess yours and the burglar’s relationship.

When the social worker/evaluator can not determine what is best for your relationship or your stolen goods, they ask the judge to have both you and the burglar psychologically evaluated, because you seem "anxious", "angry" and "uncooperative" with the burglar. The court-appointed psychologist, who has no experience in being the victim of violent crime and has not studied the effects of such trauma, also determines that you are uncooperative, hostile, anxious, and you have a negative opinion of the burglar that can’t be healthy. After all, the burglar had nothing but good things to say about you, your home and your belongings during his evaluation.

The psychologist recommends that you be restricted from access to your belongings until you can accept the burglar’s rightful relationship to continued access to your home and personal effects. He further recommends you attend weekly conjoint therapy with the burglar to work on being more cooperative with him in the future.

All at your expense of course.

The judge decides to wait a year or so to see how you work through your relationship with the burglar before he can decide upon the burglary conviction. He chastises you that you had better really work at the relationship or he may just grant the burglar’s request to maintain sole ownership of your property. None of these "experts" can be sued civilly for their negligence and incompetence because they have judicial or quasi-judicial immunity.

Insanity? Nope. Family court in Kansas.

Domestic violence victims walk into family court to ask a judge to protect their children from a known abuser. Instead, they face the above-described nightmare that can span years and put them into financial ruin, mental and emotional exhaustion, not to mention directly back into the path of the abuser. Judges pressure them to mediate, assign a custody evaluator who pressures them to accept 50/50 joint physical and legal custody with theirs and their children’s abuser.

They and their children are put through psychological evaluations by persons with little to no training in domestic violence, and some judges force co-parenting therapy and reunification therapy upon mother and child with their perpetrators. If they can not fit into the mold of cooperative "co-parenting" and the children continue to be reluctant to visit with the man that abused them, they face losing custody to him.

We have spent millions of dollars printing brochures and making public service announcements to victims of domestic violence encouraging them to leave violent relationships and telling them of the harmful effects on their children.

But when they do get the courage to leave, the same system tells them they are wrong to try to protect their children once they have divorced their abuser, and that they should now fully and freely support unsupervised visitation with the same dangerous person. Contrary to popular belief, children of batterers can be at just as much risk psychologically, sexually, and even physically after the couple splits up as they were when the family was still together. In fact, many children experience the most damaging victimization from the abuser at this point.

Most people assume that a fit mother never loses custody. If only that were true. The American Judges Association reports that "Studies show that batterers have been able to convince authorities that the victim is unfit or undeserving of sole custody in approximately 70% of challenged cases." Unfortunately, the state of Kansas’s current laws also says that none of these people can be held accountable, either.

And so we go on, handing down family violence from one generation to the

next…

[a special thanks to Paige Hodson-Alaska Mothers For Custodial Justice]

KMFCJ-founded by Claudine Dombrowski,a Protective Parent and survivor of Domestic Violence and systemic abuse. The goals of KMFCJ is to publish informed news releases, links and commentaries relating to protective parents and their children who continue to be victimized by the abuser and or the court system.

www.AngelFury.org

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Alice Doesn’t Live There Anymore (she is dead)

THURSDAY, JULY 2, 2009

Alice Doesn’t Live There Anymore

The murder of Alice Morrin, wife mother and former fox newsassignment editor was one of the most viewed tragedies of the day. She died on Sunday evening as she was texting a friend for help.

You could feel the fear asAlice says to the friend she is texting, where her children are in the home while she is attempting to escape upstairs as her husband has both a knife and a shotgun in his possession, shouting in anger his intentions to kill her. Alice’s mind no doubt races to thoughts of her 2 daughters hiding, hoping they are safe in the house. We do not know what Alice was thinking, but we do know she was pleading for her life.

We will never know what a woman counting moments like the ticking of a second hand on a watch about to be killed is thinking. Or the days, hours and years building up to a life of fear resulting in an unimaginable tragedy.

This is not a story but a human being who fought for her life literally with her last breath. This is a tragedy most would rather not read or gloss over and pretend they understand what it is like to live and wear fear like a garment of clothing that is virtually impossible to remove. Or criticize and perhaps points fingers in blame thinking “Alice was smart enough” or Alice should have had the sense to get out sooner” or if only Alice had told someone she might still be alive.” If only, if only, if only-are words that have no meaning to a victim of domestic violence often forced into a powerless life. Alice Morrin was in the middle of a divorce, she could no longer live her life in fear. Many women are not prepared as they end the relationship, often dropping their guard down because they feel a false sense of empowerment or security in knowing freedom is around the corner.

Seeking a divorce is dangerous unless a self defense strategy to remain alive is included prior to seeking the services of an attorney or filing the paperwork yourself to end the relationship.

Alice Morrin will never fix another meal for her daughters. Alice will never help her daughter’s with their homework assignments. Alice will not be available in person to celebrate her daughters birthdays.

Alice has a new address, permanent residency in a cemetary.

If you are in an abusive relationship, you need a plan, not a cemetary plot!

Moving out, Moving on will guide you through the necessary steps of ending a relationship safely.

You may purchase your copy HERE

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“Shared Parenting” Advocate Blames Mom for Being Stabbed to Death by Dad

“Shared Parenting” Advocate Blames Mom for Being Stabbed to Death by Dad

Filed under: Activism, Angie Warnock, Bad Dads, Child Custody, Child Custody Battle, Child Custody Issues, Children and Domestic Violence, Children who witness abuse, Corrupt bastards, Desperate men, Divorce, Domestic Violence, Dr. Richard Gardner, Hate Crimes, Husbands who murder wives, Indiana, Intimate Partner Assault, Joseph Warnock, Murdered Mothers, Parental Alienation Syndrome, Pedophiles, Protect yourself from FR groups, Shared Parenting, Stuart Showalter, Violence against women, parental alienation — justice4mothers @ 6:19 pm

Just when I think the garbage that comes from the abuser’s lobby can’t get much worse, I run across something else even more horrifying.  An Indiana mother who had gotten protective orders three days prior was stabbed to death by her abusive husband on Father’s Day, in front of their children.  And this “shared parenting” advocate has the nerve to blame the mother for her death!  What a nutcase…goes to show you what these guys really stand for.

From Mothers of Lost Children:

Angie Warnock is Blamed for Her Own Death

with 5 comments

Another local blogger, Stuart Showalter, has chosen to blame Angie Warnock for her own death, stating that she should not have gotten protective orders:

“Angela Warnock’s use of the Indiana Civil Protection Order Act for leverage in the divorce proceedings with the father of their two daughters failed her this past weekend. On Friday she had obtained an order that would keep the father from having any further contact with his daughters for two years. In addition she had the daughters, age 8 and 12, sleeping with her. These are both signs of Parental Alienation.”

How interesting he claims the Protective Order was a leverage tool, when she had the hearing on Thursday last week to uphold and extend.  Joseph made the run to the courthouse on Friday to file for divorce.

In the hearing last week, the judge continued the preliminary order that Warnock should have no contact with his family.  Love also suggested that the couple take their dispute to divorce court. Joseph Warnock filed for divorce the next day.

More Stuart:

“Parental Alienation is damaging to the child. Instead of promoting independence, the alienating parent encourages continued dependence by the children. The parent may insist on sleeping with the child, feeding the child (”It’s easier if I do it”), and taking care of these rites of passage longer than normal child development calls for. One theory about why a mother will act this way is that when a father takes his share of joint custody is that it is like asking her to give away part of her body. One mother said, “He is going to remove my right arm and take it for the weekend.” It feels like the mother has lost a profound part of who she is as a person. She feels fractured, pulled apart.”

Claims of  “parental alienation” are well known by professional bodies and as such, is not accepted by any for use against another parent. 

2006 – The National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges also discredited the theory.  It stated:

The discredited “diagnosis” of “PAS” (or allegation of “parental alienation”), quite apart from its scientific invalidity, inappropriately asks the court to assume that the children’s behaviors and attitudes toward the parent who claims to be “alienated” have no grounding in reality. It also diverts attention away from the behaviors of the abusive parent, who may have directly influenced the children’s responses by acting in violent, disrespectful, intimidating, humiliating and/or discrediting ways toward the children themselves, or the children’s other parent.

So whipping out the “parental alienation” card on this one Stuart shows just how twisted fans of this syndrome are.  More Stuart:

“Instead of encouraging the necessary interaction with both parents some battling spouses instead choose to use the children as a weapon against the other. Keeping children away from their fathers can have significant damaging effects. Children from fatherless homes account for 63% of youth suicides, [Source: US Dept. of Health & Human Services, Bureau of the Census]; 71% of pregnant teenagers. [Source: US Dept. of Health & Human Services]; and 71% of all high school dropouts [Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools].”

Actually research shows children are less at risk with mothers than with fathers.  How do you think the effects of seeing their father stab their mother to death works Stuart?  Is having a violent father around better than no father?  I know that is how the “father’s rights” advocates feel.  What about the children Stuart?  What about the children?

“Often times children are withheld from the other parent as punishment for a perceived wrong. This is commonly done through restraining orders which in the majority of cases do not even involve an allegation of violence. [False DV Allegations Cost $20 Billion] Douglas Darnell, Ph.D. Cites that a parent who physically or psychologically rescues the children when there is no threat to their safety reinforces alienation by placing in the child’s mind the illusion of threat or danger. An alienator may assume that if a parent had been physically abusive with him or her, it follows that the parent will assault the child. This assumption is not always true.”

So Stuart blames Angie for her own death:

“This is another case that demonstrates that a Protective Order does not protect and may actually lead to the death of a parent who was otherwise not threatened. In child custody cases every effort should be made to ensure that the children maintain healthy relationships with both parents. Not doing so can not only damage the children but, as in this case, cost the alienator her life.”

Shame on you, Stuart Showalter.  Because of abusive fathers and other father’s rights supporters who use claims of “parental alienation” against women who have genuine fear of their lives, lives will continue to be lost.  As these women continue to die, more and more people will realize the lies you spread are self-serving and dangerous.  And more children will continue to lose their mothers.  Shouldn’t the focus be on stopping violent fathers from doing this, rather than on another “blame the woman” again rant?

Any legislator that buys into your argument needs to be voted out of office.

Also see:  Former Miss Kauai killed in stabbing at Indiana home and He Swore He’d Never Hurt Her

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Tribute To Jana Mackey: One Year Later By Tanner Willbanks www.1100Torches.org

thank you Tanner, it certainly does not feel like a year has gone by, I hope that this month brings more awareness and I look forward to seeing more writings on behalf of and for Jana. I stand by your side Jana, We are carrying your song and your torch..

 

www.1100Torches.org

 

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In Tribute To Jana Mackey: One Year Later

By Tanner Willbanks
July 1, 2009

This week marks an anniversary for me that I would much rather not be celebrating. One year ago, the activist community, the feminist community, and, most importantly to me on a selfish level, my personal community lost one of their best and brightest. I’ve written before about the fact that my friend, Jana Mackey, was murdered by her ex-boyfriend in a horrific incident of domestic violence. That was one year ago this week.

As the anniversary of her death approaches, I’ve been wracking my brain in an effort to figure out a way that I can do justice to the memory of my friend. I want to give her a fitting tribute, as I have a venue in which to do that. Finally, today while reading a book that she had recommended to me about a week prior to her death, I finally figured out just how to do that.

For those of you who knew Jana, I hope you will take what follows as my meager attempt to honor our friend. For those of you who didn’t, I just ask that you read what follows and attempt to glean from it whatever you can.

In a very real way, my life as an activist began when Jana’s ended. That is not to say that I had not been involved in the activist community prior to that. I had been elected president of my college’s chapter of Amnesty International a few months prior and was already tapped to serve as the Sexual Assault Awareness Coordinator and Male Outreach Coordinator for the Commission on the Status of Women here at the University of Kansas. However, I had not truly devoted myself to the cause.

Since I had dropped out of college in my first attempt back in 1998, I had wandered through life with no real focus. Sure, I was a politically progressive and outspoken rabble rouser, but I had not truly embraced any path that I could claim as my passion. I spoke out against the death penalty. I spoke out for reproductive rights. I taught sexual assault awareness seminars. Still, I felt aimless. I was rudderless. It took losing something huge for me to find my mission.

Jana, as I have said in previous posts, always served as an inspiration for me, since our very first meeting. So, I guess I should not be surprised that, even in her tragic death, she would find a way to be the inspiration that set me on a path that is quickly becoming my life’s work. I made a promise on the day of Jana’s funeral to myself and to her memory. I promised that I would spend every day of the rest of my life working to make sure that we would eventually live in a world where women did not have to live in fear of the men in their lives. I promised that I would spend the rest of my life pursuing the causes that Jana and I had shared an affinity for. I will work for reproductive rights, equal pay, and, most importantly, equality for all people, with no care for race, sexual orientation, age, or gender.

That promise has been very easy for me to keep. It turns out that, just as Jana would have known(and had told me on more than one occasion), these are the causes that inspire me to get up and fight the good fight every morning. Has everybody been accepting of my new found fervor for my causes? No. Many members of my own family have questioned me as to why I plan on attending graduate school in Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies. I have also been attacked, both in comments on this blog and through twitter as being less than a real man for believing that women and men are equal in all things.

Does any of this dissuade me from thinking that the promise I made was 100% the right thing to do? Hell no.

I had the good fortune to have a friend that served as a daily inspiration to me for the better part of 15 years. She was brutally ripped from the lives of those of us who loved her, and those who needed her to keep pursuing the causes that she fought for, but that doesn’t mean that the effect she had on us was lost. I have been exceedingly that, in the year since her death, I have worked closely with Jana’s family, especially her mother, Christie, and her step-father, Curt. They inspire me on a daily basis by the way that they have triumphed over the tragedy that befell them and soldiered on in Jana’s name to serve as an inspiration to myself, all of Jana’s friends, and many people who never were fortunate enough to meet her.

In the year since her death, I have had the great privilege of serving on the planning committee for the Jana Mackey Distinguished Lecture Series, along with Curt and Christie. We were able to bring Kim Gandy to speak at KU to a packed house. It was a very emotional night, but one that filled me with a level of pride that I did not know I was capable of. Pride in myself. Pride in the amazing strength of Curt and Christie. Most importantly, pride in Jana Mackey and the way that she inspires so many people, even now. We will not stop there, however. I am proud to say that we have already started planning the future of the lecture series, and have added fellow Everyday Citizen writer, George Dungan, to the committee. George is a good example of somebody who, though he never met Jana, has been inspired by her through the stories shared by her friends and family, and the actions taken by those same people.

With all of that said, I want to take a moment to say thank you to Jana. I miss you more than I can possibly say, and I wish you could be here celebrating each triumph that we accomplish along the way, but I can not thank you enough for the inspiration that you gave to me in life, nor the gift of drive and purpose that you have given me in your tragic death. I miss you and I love you.

Permalink | Comments (1) | Posted July 1, 2009 by Tanner Willbanks
Tags:  Activism Domestic Violence Feminism Inspiration Jana Mackey Kansas Women’s Rights

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